Where does the dehumanization of men begin to ensure the perpetuation of the patriarchy and do we even see it?
I saw him.
But quickly turned away-
from the tears that appeared oddly placed.
Proportions of strength mingled with unspoken fears,
that broke through the makeshift shield of boldness.
I might have seen him there.
Lingering between becoming and failure,
Halting memories of
childhoods lost in the fires of being
a stoic shadow of self
a notion of boldness unrealized.
I couldn’t have seen him,
balancing expectation with
the weight of unearned priviliges,
I never saw.
Chances fall down as we circle the forgotten
days that once existed as long held breaths.
Holding on to bruised visions and
Hope has been shining in the glimmering prophesies
that promised refuge.
Refuge for the past we did not tred,
for the future that the waves brought
ashore much too soon.
For our memories that lingered between sheets
but did not think to bring honey
to stick on to the parchment of our hearts.
Now our fragility sits upon the moutain of the aged youth,
mounted and subdued.
Here we are,
Arriving to yesterday’s blues
but forgetting the tune,
I was filled with so much joy when I saw your handwriting (that cursive script I could never master) on the envelope that was left on the doorstep of my apartment. As I read each word –I felt the peace, the joy and the love fill my soul. You’re happy and my heart could not rejoice with you more. Baba sounds like a wonderful man: everything that you waited and prayed so dutifully for. In short, your letter has brought sunshine and smiles to my spirit. Ose, Ore Mi Atata
I’ve been praying more and working harder. I know you’ll smile at this and say “Less work and more prayer!” I am trying to strike the balance but there is the common saying “God helps those who help themselves”? So I suppose I am testing the hypothesis.
It seems, however, the more I have tried to organize and categorize all the various facets, the more out of control everything has gotten. I was thinking the other day what a beautiful feeling free-fall must be–letting go completely. But more truthfully Ayoola, the more in-control I have set out to be, the more out of touch I have become accustomed to feeling. So, I’ve been building barricades that will ward off any unexpected pitfalls in April.
So, I’ve been building barricades. You first saw them and tore them down but I have rebuilt them to be much more solid and encompassing than before. It was an unconscious decision. Unpacking insecurities is so cliche and I have never been very good at articulating my emotions. So these barricades have worked to ward off those who want to see beyond the smile and laughter. The barricades have made me an island but I realize this may only last for a fleeting moment. When love leaves and resentment comes to nestle in the corners.
I am just somewhere between floating and dodging peace. Yet it is all I long for these days: Serenity knocking as opposed to the jostling bodies and loud sirens. So I’ve been thinking maybe the barricades must come down? but how?
Ore mi, I know you’ll probably read this saying or thinking, “you don start again oo” and you are probably right…But I long to see your cursive again so please fill me in on all the details of passionate Baba and the unrelenting pot-bellied Oga-CEO.
I met him in the dimly lit passage-way
between his fear of failure and his desire for power.
It was a different feeling, it pulled at me-
gripping my heart in such a frightening way.
Drawing me closer but leading me nowhere.
Having come this far, how could I return?
At this point of neither paradise nor destruction.
I stood and called out to him.
But he seemed to disappear into the faraway depth-
that of imagination and the pursuit of purpose.